It’s that time of year again. Bathing suits. I’d rather be a deer during hunting season. Seriously, just shoot me. I attempted my first shopping adventure with my best friend who found a suit that makes her look fantastic. Oh hey, congrats girl….that’s going to come in really handy for the boyfriend you already have, since you’ll be spending so much time looking for some ‘hot honeys’ while floating on a river somewhere or sunbathing poolside while some trampy 19 yr olds strut around with body’s that haven’t gotten squishy (I refuse to say fat).
You thought this was going to be some silly vent about how fat I am (which is rude to think….since I am not fat, nor think I am fat), but in fact, this is more about our constant discontent about our current status, no matter how good or bad it may be.
This time last year I was about 25 lbs heavier. I’m still upset at my so-called “friends” for letting me get so fluffy, without a courteous “umm hey girl, but you look a little fat in your pants..and by pants…I mean you’re really just getting chubby”. Awesome. Thanks girls. Lucky for me I have this nervous vomiting problem. I’m not a stress eater. I’m a stress puker, and when you mix two parts bad breakup with one part graduation and three parts job hunt, it’s like the perfect storm for my stomach to say “Food? Yeah, no thanks. I believe I’d rather convulse for a bit”. What with the stress and actually starting to work out again, I have somehow managed to make it back to my high school weight, though it doesn’t sit like I remember.
In the beginning I remember looking in the mirror and being amazed at what was now my body. Radiating confidence as I walked into the room wearing pants that were four sizes smaller, but now four months later, when I look in the mirror all I see are the places I could stand to tone a bit more, or the pasty skin that needs to see some sun.
With our bodies, just like our lives, new things are exiting and fresh, but as soon as the new car smell wears off, you grow discontent and need more. Could this be just a reflection of how we were created? We were created to never stand still. To constantly strive towards a closer existence with God. Yet, instead of using this constant need to move forward in the way it was intended; we have transposed this desire onto less important things…like what the scale says.
When I think about my future, inevitably I begin to focus on what milestone I will need to pass to feel “successful”. My conceited materialistic self says that I need to have a nice home in the right area (and if I’m being completely honest I want one that makes people slow down when they drive past because it is that pretty), a fancy foreign car and a VP title with enough stock to support my post-retirement travels to remote lands of wonder.
But none of this matters.
What matters is that I find joy where I am at, whether that be in a remote and dusty country living in a hut, or if I am playing with my four kids at Nantucket. God created each of us differently and who am I to say that his plan for me is wrong? Whether he chooses for me to be dirt poor working as a volunteer in the ministry or as the CEO of a large technology company is irrelevant. I have to stop worrying so much about where I WILL be and where I AM.
I serve the “I Am” and that is enough for me.
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