Pin in Private

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There is a rampant disease among American women today. Pushing Restless Leg Syndrome and whatever Jamie Lee Curtis keeps talking about during her awkward poop commercials out of the way; this sickness has crept into the lives of 86% of females between the ages of 20-38 (statistics are the result of a stringent survey done via my web browser). You probably have it. It’s called Binge Pinning.

Symptoms? Incessantly pinning every single jpeg you come across on one of you 73 boards on Pinterest. Because there is no other explanation for adding four different boxed brownie recipes adjacent to the nineteen ab workouts that you can do before the shower and look like that hot chick on your screen with the mini 8-pack. I mean, that’s feasible and all. Clearly it doesn’t defy the laws of fitness as we know it. Pinterest makes the rules here. And everyone who is creating these workouts is an expert. Duh.

Oh wait..it’s some stay at home mom, who is judging me and my hour long workouts, as well as my pitiful excuse for a dessert. “You didn’t include sprinkles, Oreos, a slice of apple and a caramel soufflé into one dish. Nor did you top it with a homemade edible replica of your child’s face? Pity. Peasant.” I hate those ladies.

Let’s get something straight here, Ladies. You are all doing a poor job of hiding your crazy. And for you single ladies out there? Let me tell you what isn’t healthy. Planning seven weddings. With no beau in site. Luckily for you, Pioneer women just started her week of’ impossible chocolate desserts that take twice as long to prepare and three times as long to cook as what is described’. Holler atcha girl. You now have something to do while you are watching TLC on Friday night picking out your perfect wedding dress…just in case of course.

I have your back. It’s called private boards. And all of you hookers need to get on that train pronto.

Look, I get it, you really like both mint and red, but you are really digging the whole grey and blush theme. And what if your parents suddenly hit the lotto or your new line of shabby chic furniture takes off and you can afford that $75k wedding. I know, I know. It’s possible.

Save us all some time and just start a Secret Board. Heck, you can even dedicate a board to each of your seasonally inspired weddings, and another one to those Ryan Gosling memes you so thoroughly enjoy.

If I have to hear one more girl say she just really wants a wedding ‘that is unique to her’, then I will literally kick a Corgi across the room. Thanks to Pinterest, and your idea-mooching lovelies, there is no such thing as unique ideas. Don’t believe me? Try clicking on any of those beautifully framed pictures popping up on your feed. Linked to another Pinterest board? Yeah, that’s because all you chumps are straight up licking up each other’s pins, in some Arkansas-esque incestual pool of DIY hell.

Just cover that trash up. Lock it away like your love of babies on a first date. Hide it along with your small, yet sturdy, collection of One Direction posters.

And for the love of Bette Midler, don’t show it to the guy you’re dating. Or to anyone who considers Sportscenter a hobby. It’s disconcerting enough to know your lady is planning your wedding when you haven’t even dropped the L word, it’s terrifying to know that every woman in America is doing the same, including the already married ones. Ya know, just in case.

Help stop Binge Pinning. Pin in private.