Monday, October 3, 2011

Health Kick

I think I just found my own personal crack cocaine. Now, I’ve never been one for supplements…or even vitamins, unless those vitamins are found in cheese and/or cereal then I’m probably not getting a whole lot of it, but my friend convinced me that these supplements would really help my workout and were great for your productivity.

He didn’t tell me that I would run twice as much, clean my entire apartment, wash my windows, go for a late night grocery run, cook dinner….and plan a pumpkin-themed dinner party…..all in like 2 minutes flat. I’m like a tiny tornado of efficiency wreaking positivity and encouragement on all who come within my fury. 

I took this little amino acid-laden bundle of joy 10 minutes before my usual 3 mile jog. Three miles in, I was literally dancing down the river jamming to Needtobreathe’s new album (because it is sick). I threw up a high-five to a little blue haired speed walker, and chunked the deuce at the River Walk dude….and then I’m pretty sure I did some Sarah Palin-esque finger guns towards an innocent bike gang rolling down the street. “No, officer, I am not drunk, but I did have these FLIPPIN’ SWEET pills right before my run and now I’m FREAKING STOKED to be getting my jog on.”

Jumped in my car to head home and decided that smoothies in the morning were a solid deal, so off I jaunted to Central Market to get my health on. Frozen rhubarbs? I know you make a delightful pie, so of course I will throw you in my blender in the morning. Add some strawberries and a banana and that really weird fiber supplement and boom! A super start to my morning.

Clearly I am on some sort of health kick. I decided to run Tough Mudder in January (if my posts slow down around then…no worries, I just got electrocuted and/or puked up my lungs). My mate (a little phrase I picked up from the Emerald Isle) convinced me not only to take the little magical pills of energy, but also to do some sort of fiber cleanse. Don’t worry, readers, my mom said I’m not allowed to write about my fiber experience. I told her it really couldn’t be any more revealing than my lady doctor visit. She didn’t appreciate my logic. Mom, it’s the age of technology, I can’t help that I’m so trendy. The people need to know what fiber can do to one’s small intestines. It’s like the Discovery Channel, but IN MY BODY. 

Suffice it to say that this fiber drink is like mucus, mixed with baby food and apple sauce. It says mix well and quickly drink because it thickens with time. It didn’t say that it would never fully dissolve and that little pieces of tree trunk would be floating amongst some flax seed. So instead, I got to drink some apple sauce dump. The box says it does an ‘intestinal scrub’…which can’t be comfortable. In college I worked in a meat lab and had to clean out the pork slurry from the test tubes. Didn’t know you could make pork slurry? Yup. Grind it, freeze it with liquid nitrogen, dehydrate it, then blend that trash up in a commercial grade blender with some water. Yum. Anyway, ‘intestinal scrub’ sounds eerily similar to the test tube brush I had to use way back when….and it sounds awful. 

It’s hard to be healthy. 

Whether it is mental or the system is really working, I really do feel great. I am full of energy, happy and my tummy is full of delicious food. No dieting, only good ol’ American exercise and some crack. How much more American could it get?