Here's Johnny

Some of the most vivid memories of my childhood are of those moments in the middle of the night, laying flat as a pancake praying to God that I would sink into my mattress, willing my mom to hear the faint whimpers I managed to squeak out and come running into my room to rub my tiny back, sticky from the cold sweat clinging to my favorite jammies—the pink baseball uniform.

I’m in my twenties and that helpless, paralyzing fear has once again taken over, granted this time it’s warranted…I’m staying in a real-life haunted hotel.

If I was down with cursing, I would drop a long litany of words that would make my Grandmother blush because it’s down to either that or crying big sloppy tears while staring down the baby door in the corner that is surely housing some tiny ghost that wants to eat me.

It started like any other horror movie. Cute girl (what’s up, self-compliment?) far away from home, stepping foot into a situation that you, as the viewer, think “What the frick are you doing, girl? Get outta there!” I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered packing my bags multiple times since checking-in.
 

The lobby is exquisite. Dark mahogany paneling, crystal chandelier and what I assume is the original cage elevator, equipped with a little old man who learns each patron by name. I checked-in after a late flight at a deserted front desk. No upgrade, just get me to a room. Yes, key for one. Yes, I’m sure no one else will be joining me, but thanks for the confidence in my game. Then, she dropped this doozy on me.

“Oh. 3001. Your room is the only one that isn’t where it is supposed to be.”

Excuse me? Hey, lady, quit speaking in tongues and riddles. I don’t know what you are saying, Rumpelstiltskin.

After exiting said caged elevator, to what I considered a really creepy laugh by the attendant when he found out I was staying alone, I turned to the right to go find my door amidst all of the others. I half expected to see a kid on a trike and some twins running around. This hall is straight out of The Shining. In theory, my door would be with all of the others….but theories are shot in a horror movie. My door was to the left. All.by.itself.

When I opened the door, it hit me. I really am going to die tonight. This is one of those moments, that looking back, when a ghost is staring down your face that you think ‘Yup, should’ve seen that coming.” I set my stuff down and turned on every light in the house. Behind each of the four, count them four, creepy closet doors stood a surplus of pillows, robes and dead bodies. I flipped on each solitary light bulb and sat cross legged on my bed, which is where I still sit, to this moment.

About five minutes ago, I decided to ignore the fact that my bathroom door keeps closing on its own. That’s normal, right? Obvi it isn’t the product of some estranged former lover who killed herself in a fit of passion and misery….or is it.

This is going to be one of those sleep with your Bible and crucifix kind of nights. I racked my brain trying to come up with ways to stay safe. Bible. Check. Reciting prayers. Check and check. Garlic. Check. Salt. Check. A Colt 45. Welp….here’s wishing. (cue: Afroman)

I can’t remember a time when my fear of the dark wasn’t as issue.  My tiny-self devised multiple safe-guards against the terrors of the night. I would run (read: sprint) from my room to the safety of the lighted living room after turning off the lights. An army of stuffed friends stood guard on my bed, though after hearing rumors from my older sister that they would come to life and kill me if I made them mad, their presence soon cast an ominous shadow on my 1^st grade brow. The ritual of creating an equal opportunity environment so one didn’t get upset and start the mutiny, Lord of the Flies style, was daunting to me, though humorous to my parents who never understood the underlying cause of my benevolence.

The day my dad brought home a television for my room, I’m pretty sure the heavens parted ways and the angels sang. “Let there be light!” says I throwing my tiny fist skyward in defiance, and with that light, the ability to sleep through the night. Take that, ghosties! (okay, don’t judge me…I was 9 and convinced that ghosts couldn’t come around if there were lights. If you’ve ever seen that toothfairy movie, you know what I’m talking about.)

Right now all I want is my dad…or maybe that Colt 45. And it would be really nice if that small pale figure would stop staring at me through the window. I’m just kidding….kinda.

So long, World, its been real.

More Cheese, Please

The grocery store imparts a wealth of knowledge on me at every hair-raising turn of the baby cart. On my 5^th stroll past the bacon (the unfortunate by product of not making a list), I finally bit the bullet and put my 3^rd cheese variety into the basket that was looking pretty sad at this point. Four types of bread, three types of cheese, a hodgepodge of veggies and five…count them five…types of soup. 

I’m a creature of variety, not habit. Just like meeting new people, trying new things always puts pep in my step. It’s the exciting and unknown that bring the most value-add to my day. The memories that bubble most frequently to the surface are the moments unlike all the others, not the repeated cadences of my daily life. That is not to say that there is not comfort in the habitual, and I appreciate those rhythms in their own way, but nothing ignites my thoughts like a novel taste, an unheard joke or the cool breeze on an unexplored path. 

Sometimes, my need for adventure exceeds the number of hands I have to tote all of my foodie finds up the 92 stairs required to enter my apartment.

It’s November, but still the physical act of dragging that many bags has caused me to sweat profusely. It’s a reoccurring battle between me and my grocery bags. Every time, I obstinately refuse to take more than one trip up the stairs. Instead, I try to cram as many bags as I can onto each arm, clearly conserving previous energy….nevermind the squished bread and bruised bananas, victims of my stubborn nature. 

Why did I need to get 82 pounds of cheese? Were rye AND wheat really necessary? What the frick do you even DO with rhubarb?

All important questions to ask oneself during break number three on the trip to the second floor.

I just need to try it all. Cheddar and I have always had a solid relationship.  I know what I am going to get every time I take a bite and it fits quite nicely with my life. But what am I supposed to do when presented with the plethora of possibilities that live in the four walls of my local Central Market? There is only one answer: try them all.

I’m sorry, Cheddar, I’m cheating on you with the Fontina.

Unlike previous dating pools, big kid life tends to treat dating like my grocery shopping. It isn’t even unheard of to have multiple metaphorical cheeses in one’s fridge. Try them out in several recipes until you find one that makes the perfect salad topper, melts well on a pizza and can even be paired with Gypsy Wine (when I find it that is…) during a Friday night movie marathon.

Due to the sheer number of ways to communicate in today’s world, it would be naïve to think that people are trying out one “cheese” at a time. I have been guilty of vetting multiple possibilities at the same time with the typical get-to-know-you questions. (Calm down. It’s not like I group text it out, or BCC them all on the same email. I have tact, you know.)

What with texting, facebooking, gchat, email, skype, twitter and the myriad of other communication tools, constant communication has become a part of our everyday lives. I freak out now if I don’t hear back from someone in 5 minutes. C’mon, I know your phone is blowing up. If you didn’t get my text, then the push notification from my wall post and @mention had to have caught your attention. No? Maybe I should send you an instagram….and a Face Time request…or maybe leave you another voicemail. If that doesn’t work, there is always the option of posting up in the tree outside of your window…

Particularly zealous singles run into the problem of remembering which cheese is which. Was the Gouda on Friday night…or did I say Thursday? The Asiago is intelligent, but the Brie is really really fun. But then there’s always the Pepper Jack, he’s dreamy.

Tirade aside, I think it is fine to test drives your cheeses, but keep your feet on the ground. If you aren’t careful, you may find yourself with more cheese than you can carry.