I think dating may be the worst idea ever. I am one of the most blunt females to ever exist, and yet even I put on a mask of lies before a dinner that will inevitably leave me hungry due to taking dainty bites in hopes of not getting dump in my teeth and will lead me no closer to understanding the person sitting across from me than if we just sat in a movie theater silent as the grave.
On dates, I talk in a voice that sounds like some pre-pubescent choir prodigy, much different than the sweet low hum that usually accompanies my cynical tirades. I refrain from saying all the really inappropriate things that first come to mind. I even do the super cute laugh arm grab thing….which is so unlike me I can’t even stomach it.
I hate first date me. She is the worst.
I’m over being a fraud. I am a hot mess and I embrace that. To find where I am going, I am going to start by figuring out where I am. If you are ready to find your kind of crazy, grab some pens and paper. Think about all the crazy quirks that make you, you, the intricacies that weave the fiber of your soul together. Write that trash down.
Let’s do this thing.
This Is Me
I am honest to a fault and sarcastic even when compassion is most important. I am a poor loser, yet think turning everything into a competition is a good idea. I love fiercely, cry in earnest, believe until it hurts, remain steadfast when the walls are falling down, and will go down in flames even when the warning signs were apparent. I am the beloved of the King that gave me a grace I could never earn, and the child of a Father that that knows the depths of my heart, yet loves me in spite of that knowledge.
1. I hate showers. I think they are the worst thing ever and only take them like three times a week. One time, someone had to ask me to shower because I smelled. I decide it’s time to shower when my hair turns brown.
2. My favorite food is anything that goes between two pieces of bread. I could eat a burger or a sandwich for every meal….veggies? No thanks. I’ll take a heart attack, please.
3. I talk too much and commandeer every conversation I’m involved in. I’m probably the worst listener ever because I have so many stories to tell, luckily they are hilarious so really it’s just a blessing to the world. This talking bubbles over into the texting realm. I think it is necessary to text someone every single time something funny and/or worth judging happens. Which is a lot. Because…
4. I am judgmental. It may look like I’m just people watching, but I’m actually people judging. Outfits, body types, stuff in their teeth, how terrible their hair looks, whether they are cute enough to be with the other person at the table, you name it, I’ve judged it.
5. I am a terrible person.
6. I think poop is a completely dinner appropriate conversation.
7. I like hypotheticals more than factual conversation. The following question is the key to life as I know it: “Would you rather eat a poop sicle every day for the rest of your life, or have your only working butthole on your forehead”. I pondered this very question for at least 2 hours of my life…which is a large amount of time for one train of thought seeing as how I have the attention span of an ADHD 2 year old on its 2nd day without Ritalin.
8. When I’m nervous, my palms sweat.
9. When I’m sleepy, I throw up.
10. When I’m hungry, I’m short-tempered.
11. I’m a complete control freak about anything with an RSVP list 3+. I require an itinerary and sticking to a strict schedule…being late will result in a catty flustered mess. In a party of two, however, playing it by ear is the only way to go.
12. I talk fat game about being adventurous but when the rubber meets the road, I need someone to go first
13. If I get lost, I will inevitably start cussing.
14. I get incredibly emotionally attached to books. So much so that my mood is altered by the happenings of the characters. If I stop on a sad part, I will be sad. If the character is angry….I’m going to be in a terrible mood. So, I only stop when it’s a happy chapter.
15. There is only one volume. Loud.
16. My laugh is hearty. Some even say it comes from the loins. I can’t help it. I just let it happen. People stare every time.
17. My priorities are simple: God, family, friends, career. Fun isn’t a priority because it is an integral part of every moment.
Yeah, seventeen is a weird place to stop…I’m okay with it. This résumé is organic and ever-evolving, like me. But for now…this is where I’m at.
u r gross. no showers!!!!!
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