Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Lady Dates

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Standing in my skinny jeans, staring at the mirror, wondering yet again if I should go with the red shirt or the orange. If I wear the red, I should wear my blue scarf, but with the orange I can wear my favorite necklace. Are scarves in? Do people still wear chunky necklaces? Do riding boots say, ‘I’m trying too hard’ or ‘I dabble in the equestrian arts’? I just want to get this right. You know what they say: first impressions are the hardest.

As I sat at my desk today, trying to focus on the task at hand, my mind continued to wander towards tonight, towards my moment to shine over a cup of pretentious free-trade coffee, each wayward thought sending me into squirms that made my coworkers ask if I had gas, or if that last sugary snack made my pants too tight. It is just that I have been anticipating this day for a week now, silently planning how it would go, hoping that this one will actually work out. Will continue. Will make it past one casual encounter. That this time, I won’t push too hard, or be too much or worse, not be enough.

Tonight, I have a date, but more importantly than any date with any man, tonight is girl night.

Girl dates are the ugly stepsister of traditional dates of the male variety. They are more intimidating, more difficult and more crucial to my current life. With dudes you make a wrong move like dribbling wine down your shirt and simply move on to the next, chalking this up to a comical loss, another story to pull out at a party. Mess up with girls? And you have just brought a pile of judgment down upon yourself, like a stack of books tipping in a library, the embarrassment growing with each tumbling tower. Mess up with girls, and you continue your path along the tundra, alone and without shelter from the difficulties singleness brings.

Female community is an integral piece of our social world and yet the task of finding women who ‘get me’ is more challenging than anything I’ve ever faced. I would rather run the Boston marathon than make another blind attempt to fit into an already-tight posse of ladies.

In high school I had my sports teams. Girls who suited out with me in the wee hours of the morning, our camaraderie solidified as we ran suicides for another failed free throw attempt by the gangly freshmen. As our huffing lungs filled up on the scent of shellac and rubber, our bond grew stronger, unbreakable even. We could read each other’s passes without looking, the product of countless pick-up games at the catholic church, but even more so, they could read my thoughts, the product of countless conversations in hushed tones as we bumped down the country roads on our way home in the bus.

In college, I paid for my friends by joining a sorority, my monthly dues finding me more than just lame parties and enough t-shirts to outfit a small country. I found my soul mates. My sisters. My balance. The force that always brings me back to earth, grounding me in faith and accountability, enveloping me in brutal honest love. 

Basically, I’ve never had to work for my friends. They always existed as a by-product of my schedule. Now, when no pre-made network exists, I find myself embarking on a journey to piece-meal my circle back together. I find myself ‘dating’ around, the end goal not a husband, just some girls to do life with when ‘doing life’ looks nothing like what I imagined.

I never knew the importance of the women in my life until it no longer existed. The age old adage of 'you never know what you have.....until you graduate and they find husbands and move to Chicago and get a puppy' never sounded so true. So maybe I added some ish into that one, but the point remains; life is not as full without your friends. We were never intended to live without community.

This post-college world puts an interesting spin on my relationships, both current, past and future. I have been so blessed with female friends in the past, that the idea of trying to recreate the unbreakable bond I have with them seems like a waste of time. No one is that lucky. And yet-girl night party of 1 is the lamest Tuesday night known to mankind, so it's time to buckup and cross your fingers that there are some girls in this city that don't mind yoga pants and poops jokes because I have those in spades.

Venturing towards adult friendships may be the most unexpected challenge I have come across thus far. It never crossed my mind that friendships don't just fall out of the sky. I always knew that finding a man would be difficult because I am only looking for one in a sea of options. Little did I know, the search for my female posse would be just as elusive, and yet wildly more vital. 

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