Bachelorette Bashers

Watching a pack of females interact is like watching Animal Planet, add a couple feather boas, some inappropriate drinking straws and an impending wedding and it’s like watching the love child of Animal Planet and Toddlers and Tiaras….if that love child was 7 bottles into some purple drank and a had a bad case of the crack shakes.

Referred throughout the ages as doe parties, hen parties, and now more commonly as a bachelorette party, these rites of passage have long baffled the male population and caused many a flurry amongst the women that frequent them.

I’ve been on both sides of this shindig, both enjoying the celebration of my beautiful friend’s weddings…and judging the snot out of every bachelorette party I see on the street. ‘Oh hey, nice sashes ladies. Judging by the self-proclaimed “Sexy Beast” that’s on yours, girl, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you’re a vodka cranberry sort of girl. No? Oh, vodka Red Bull…sugar free of course, because that’s makes Zumba a bit easier Monday morning.’

And once again, I prove that hypocrisy is alive and well in my life. (Not that I drink Vodka…c’mon I have a palette, but I’m still known as ‘Miss Sassy Pants’ in 3 counties)

At stop #3, I had the distinct pleasure of warding off Beard-y McDump Face (see previous posts for nomenclature explanation). Yo, Dump Face, wipe your mouth because last night’s Totino’s is in a Stage 5 clinger sitch in the worst sort of way.

Moving on…

So Dump Face, in all of his wisdom, most graciously explains to me the wisdom he has gained from hanging out with ‘like 70 or 80’ bachelorette parties. (70 or 80? #popular).

“You’re that girl I hate. There’s always a fat chick or a big sister keeping me from putting the moves on the drunk chick.”

Excuse me, Dump Face, are you calling me fat or old? I got distracted by the spittle on your lip. Maybe what’s keeping you from laying on your moves like Jagger is the faint (read: overwhelming) scent of day old Gin wafting about your person. Do you live with some 99%ers….or did you take a sponge back with some McCormick’s this morning?

Seeing as how I am about 3 bridesmaids gigs away from creating my own rom-com, I’ve had many a run-in with the bachelorette bashers. A motley crew they are, ranging from old dudes on business trips looking to feel young again, or wannabe cowboys that think slithering their snake skin boot up my leg will lead to a number….instead it simply leads to verbal whiplash, and if we are lucky a shank in the liver.

There is something about bachelorette parties that brings out the competition in me. There’s nothing like a little domination on a Friday evening (or Tuesday at noon for that matter, I love me some victory). The problem is….#winning at a bachelorette party puts you somewhere on Charlie Sheen’s level.

In the proverbial good vs evil battle constantly waging war inside my head, I find myself battling whether success is filling pages in my unused little black book, or swallowing my pride, while maintaining my dignity. Do I want an aresenal of numbers that will never be called, names that will never be remembered, and stories that can never be told to my children? No. But do I want to crush every female around me, thus establishing my dominance. Look, I know the right answer is ‘no’ here, but let’s face it….typing it would be as big of a lie as saying that I didn’t eat three cheeseburgers last week. Spoiler Alert: I did.

Luckily, bachelorette bashers are never of the bring home to mom variety, and tend to have the fashion sense of Jersey Shore, so taming my terrible tendency to compare, analyze and pick apart every person in my presence proves easier than if we were at a lumberjack convention filled with bearded tall men of the Jesus-loving persuasion. Regardless, each adventure-laden weekend reminds me more and more that I am a creature of the flesh and need the grace of God more than ever before….or to be punched in the face by someone bigger than me. My thoughts more than deserve it.

PB& no-J

In my youth, I romanticized the woes of adulthood, imagining that the world would treat you like a gentleman, politely challenging you to a duel, allowing you to air grievances and still maintain your dignity. In reality, the world punches you in the stomach, takes your wallet and instead of walking away while you cough up your lungs, it kicks you in the face.

Laying in a heap on the sidewalk trying to trace back the decisions that got me here, I once again am reminded that our world is inherently broken. Luckily, I serve a God that heals the broken, loves the unlovable and never backs down even when I lose sight of His mercy.

I wish I could say that I never lose sight, that my faith is grounded and unshakeable, but in reality it is fickle and fleeting. Last night, I got a call from my mom. Anytime I hear from that lady after 11pm, I dread the news on the other end. As expected, she was calling me to be a prayer warrior for a friend who badly needed it. Instead of getting on my knees to be the intercessor to a God who can create the entire universe, architect atoms and galaxies, and raise the dead, I just sat there thinking how passive prayer was. He isn’t listening to me, He is going to do whatever He wants regardless of my cries.

I stopped believing in the power of prayer. The inadequacies of my own prayer life slowly seeped into my heart, convincing me that God doesn’t answer prayers, when in reality, I haven’t asked for anything in earnest for quite some time. Sure, I “pray” nightly. It looks something like this:

Oh hey, God. How’s life? Yeah, today was pretty solid. Thanks for my super sweet job. Keep my fam safe down there, I think they’re pretty neat. Can you give me some stuff I want like a flatter stomach and a tight boyfriend that likes to jump off stuff and eat foie gras and wears flannel with some sort of facial hair? Yeah-that guy. And can you do some wicked cool stuff in his life right now so he’s all geared up when we meet? Oh yeah, so-and-so asked for some prayer. Can you take care of that trash? Cool. I’m sleepy. Peace out, bro.

Most recently, it feels like I simply yell at God. Yell about the injustice, the pain, the suffering and the sheer magnitude of the brokenness around me. I told him that I don’t even know if I believe if there is anything behind my words or if they only come crashing back from the ceiling and I thrust the skyward.

I was so wrong.

Laden with shopping bags full of treats and groceries, several of us posted up in a park downtown to hang out with what I like to call the ‘locals’, more commonly known as the homeless. As first timers, we had no idea what to expect. Would we have enough? Would people want to talk to us? Were we in danger?

I was naive to think that we would be able to bless those we encountered, showing them the love of Christ just because I took 2 seconds to ask them their name, instead, we came face-to-face with God. The encounter left me reeling, crying and on my face at the throne of a God who hears every cry of my heart, both angry and grateful.

George* approached us to see what was going on, but his joy hit us in the face from 15 feet away. George hasn’t had an easy life, shunned by society for a choice that was not his, he has more reason than me to complain, yet all he did was praise. He showed us the ropes, patiently answering the childish questions I put forth. Apparently, the homeless do not care about having grape jelly with the PB&J’s…the PB will suffice, he told me with a laugh, adding that if they had a lady friend with them, they would be mighty thankful for that jelly to make the meal a treat rather than just substance.

We asked George about his ministry and he told us of all of the things God is doing in his life, then I prayed for him, going through the motions that I was taught so long ago, wondering if maybe this time God would actually hear…being outside and all…that’s got to make it a bit easier.

Then, George prayed for us.

I have never, in my life, tangibly felt the power of a prayer like I did today. George was communing with God and we were lucky enough to witness it. The Holy Spirit left my arm hairs on end, out of breath and in awe of God.

The love of God is so much stronger than I ever manage to give it credit for. I constantly limit his scope, pigeonholing him into the smallest corners of my life because I have the rest ‘under control’. Even in my angry rants, God hears me and answers me, even if it requires a homeless man to do so.

Biggest Loser: Jesus Edition

I think someone literally poured a vat of molten lava over San Antonio. I cut my jog short today due to a slight case of dehydration. Symptoms as follows: salty face, red skin, light-headedness and then the dreaded chill bumps...and dry heaving into the bushes whilst tourist stopped and gawked. No, sweet family of four enjoying the Riverwalk, this is not a product of my Friday night antics, which consisted of my couch and a pint (or two) of ice cream.  I was simply not ready for the heat. 

Spring time had me fooled. I thought I was hott stuff, choosing mile number 6 simply because the day was unfolding into a beautiful evening and I wasn’t ready to turn back and let the day go. Spending an hour on the treadmill, jamming to some tunes in the cool serenity of my gym, lulled me into a false sense of fitness. Now, after gagging several times in public, reality has punched me in the face. I haven’t been training in the heat.  

It’s easy for me to think that my endurance in the temperate 73 degree evenings translates into the same mileage when it’s a meager 101 blazing degrees outside. Maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable in my climate-controlled life, forgetting what it’s like to push until you puke, to run past your comfort zone and then a little bit further. Maybe the consistency of the treadmill beneath my feet, never taking me anywhere, but pushing me just hard enough to maintain my outward appearance, has deadened my soul’s need to turn a unknown corner to search of something more.

The Gospel is wrecking my life right now. 

It tells us to be ready to give an answer to our faith ‘in season and out’, but until I found myself on my knees in public, heaving out bile because my workout got too big for my color coordinated britches, I had no idea what that phrase meant. (not to say that I do now..but I guess I'm closer...kinda)

It’s incredible how much time I spend working out to tone, strengthen and gain endurance. Spiritually though, I’m overweight and sedentary. Eating meal after meal, I expended nothing. I sat on it, growing only cellulite and my spiritual pant size. Yikes. I’ve got some exercise to do. I’m talking straight Biggest Loser: Jesus Edition.

I’ve got to stop simply ‘saying’ the gospel, and ‘be’ the gospel instead. The Creator of the Universe has imparted His spirit on me and yet no one can tell a difference. Am I truly reading the Word if it doesn’t break my heart and turn my world on its head? 

Love is a tangible action of selfless origin. 

So, I’m going to run. I’m going to run with reckless abandon toward the One who gave His life. I’m going to strap on my shoes, tighten up those laces and hit the trail to see what He has in store for me. There will inevitably be times when I get lost, and fear creeps in causing my stomach to sink into my knees. There will be times when I happen across a meadow and drink in the sunshine. I will scrape my knees, roll my ankle and probably puke a few more times as I regurgitate everything I know and transform the fat into muscle. I will cross streets, climb mountains, jump potholes (or more likely, fall into them), but I will continue. 

It's not like I'm doing this alone. Starting with Christ, our little running club will grow. Inviting others into this open-armed gang, we will run. We will cross streets, climb mountains, fall into potholes and help dig each other out. We will bandage blisters, tape ankles, and offer whatever unwounded limbs we have when our comrades fall off the curb. 

What does it mean to be ready in season and out? I don’t have all of the answers, but what I do know is that I am going to try to be the church I want to see, and allow Christ to love through me, in spite of me, and to me. 

Jesus loved with an incomprehensible depth. It was constant, sound and pure. My love is volatile, selfish and about as reliable as the 1996 Mazda I drove when I turned 16. But with the love of Christ residing in my soul, I should be able to love with a magnitude uncommon in our world. Should, being the keyword. 

It’s easy to get caught in the guise of saying that Jesus was just speaking in extremes, ‘go sell everything’ ‘feed the hungry’ ‘carry your cross’ because to read the Gospel, to truly digest what Jesus is saying, is the most terrifying thing I have ever done. 

The Gospel is wrecking my life, what’s it doing to yours?

All Aboard the eHarmony Karma Train

So, this one time, I joined eHarmony.

It all started late on a Thursday night. Part need for a distraction to avoid pursuing what I know is wrong, part narcissistic tick to talk about myself, I found myself filling out page after page of ‘would you rather’ questions. Channeling my 8^th grade self, I dug in like I was filling out Seventeen magazine quizzes, but instead of finding my perfect jeans, this would result in my perfect man, according to the 92.3 compatibility characteristics identified by the chemistry police.

Apparently 42-year olds named Gary who dig Comic Con and thought about traveling to Thailand one time are right up my alley.

Karma-1. Me-0.

This is what I get for joining just because I had a bad day and an hour to kill and not because I am ready to 'find the one'.

They recommend you read several articles and really take time to ‘understand your deepest needs’ before you craft up the perfect profile. I’ve never been one to take advice; so instead, I dove in head first, touting my love of fanny packs and my not-so-secret love affair with cheeseburgers. Look, Guy, if you can’t appreciate a no hands required carry-all and don’t recognize when you are knee deep in sarcasm, we won’t work. I’ll ruin your life. You’ll bore me to tears. Let’s high five it up and call it a day.

Summing yourself up is no easy business. Who am I? The first thing the future father of my children will ever see is that I dig fanny packs. Probably not a solid strategy, but I’m sticking with it.

Suggestion article Number 1 says to ask your friends. “What do your friends say about you?” it asks. “They will typically give you really insightful answers.” Oh yeah, eHarmony? Have you ever met my friends? Their response would be dripping in sarcasm and full of really unhelpful jokes about my hygiene and love of flannel. Above all, they would be long-winded.

Nevertheless, I am still tasked with figuring out who I am. When it comes down to it, all jokes aside, what do I consider the deciding factors of my character, my needs and my must-haves.

Daily, I think I just grab a strand on the rope of my life and run with it. Today, I will be funny. Tomorrow I will be determined. The next? Let’s go with creative. All are pieces of me, but none are the end-all answer.

When Jesus asked Peter “Who do you say that I am?” Peter’s answer was concise. Direct. Not messing around. “You are the Christ."

Is my faith so ingrained in my soul that my essence is simply ‘a follower of the Christ’? Or have I so diluted it by slowly lowering him, one rung at a time, down ladder of my priorities that ‘christian’ is merely a footnote in the novel of my life?

While eHarmony is all up in my grill asking me to define myself, I have to wonder, who do people say that I am when my back is turned? What legacy am I leaving? My legacy doesn’t start when I turn 83, or when I will the kid down the street my Hannah Montana scooter. It starts the moment my reputation is formed and a sentence is uttered about me when I’m not around. Have I set myself apart to accurately represent the holiness of Christ? Or do I look no different from those who think that Jesus is a sham. Peeking into the looking glass of my life, will they be able to see past the dingy panes cause by bursts of anger, unkind words and judgement, or do they see the image of Christ?

Who do they say that I am?

Who do you want to be when they ask? 

Disclaimer: Stop freaking out. Do I think eHarmony will send me the love of my life? No. Will it provide hours of ammo for my blog? You betcha. Do you get to reap the benefits of the hilarity of it all? Absolutely. Stay tuned, dear reader, there are plenty more where ‘Gary’ came from.

Prom Pose with Your Pinot

People love taking couple pics. I mean, they dig it in a big sort of way. ‘Hey, can you take a picture of Mr. Wonderful and me by this tree? And now this flower? And then this door? Oh! This trash bag will look so edgy on Pinterest. Just one more?’  Of course I would love to capture the butterflies and rainbows your love is vomiting out for the camera right now. That sounds way better than enjoying this glass of Cab Sav I’ve been spending some quality time with. 

Apparently ‘single’ is now synonymous with ‘photographer’.

Since the beginning of the interwebs, girls have gotten a thrill of showing off their man and adventures through photography. Followers of these sagas get an in depth look into the life and love of many a well-captured couple. While a good photo can earn you ‘likes’ and ‘pins’ galore, a bad one can bode ominous for future progeny. 

The pity starts for the singles in the group right around picture round number two. After each couple has adequately represented their happiness and general trendiness, they always turn to me with a ‘let’s get a picture of you and….” No worries, World, I have an answer: my drink.

Couple 1. Couple 2. Me and my latte. Couples 3, 4 and 5. Me and my sweet tea. Couples 1,3,5 and 9. Me and my wine.  

Luckily for me, beverages are satisfying and never look like they’re constipated.

Though singlehood has woes of its own, I’m beginning to think I’ve got it easy. Listening to countless women (and bro’s) recount their relationship troubles tells me a few things: 1. We all need to get our lives together and stop being so selfish 2. If everyone were just dating their sweet tea we wouldn’t have this problem. We’d all be fatties and our population would take a dramatic plunge, but on the bright side you wouldn’t spend Friday night crying about how it is now 8:03 and you boyfriend told you he was going to call you at 7:45. He clearly hates you and is going to break up with you because he has found someone else who is skinnier and tells better that’s what she said jokes.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then my Facebook has said almost 1.5 million things about me, without even opening my mouth. Lately, it has said 'This girl is incredibly parched on the reg.' Dehydration aside: watch your crop because you may have an audience.

Pictures are meant to capture moments, yet we each need a minute to compose ourselves before the shutter clicks, transforming our worried, pre-occupied, misplaced hope into the smile we assume is socially acceptable. Live life like the camera is always on you. What do you want your 1000 words to be?  

My Mom Taught Me to Raise My Hand

My mom taught me to raise my hand. 

My mom taught me to raise my hand because I am capable. Not taught to wait on the world to notice my aptitudes, I was told to be confident in my abilities, to be sure of what I know, and able to admit what I don’t. In the classroom, work place, sports arena or grocery store, she led by the example of leading rather than following, of doing rather than watching. 

My mom taught me to raise my hand in the face of injustice. If you see it and do nothing, she would say, you are nothing more than part of the problem. She repeated, again and again, that I was called by God to be a light in this world. An example when none are present. A living example of the love of Christ in a world that is dying.

My mom taught me to raise my hands in praise because no matter how hard it is, you have something to be thankful for.

My mom taught me to raise my hand to own up to my mistakes. Lying received the worst punishment in my home. It was better to admit your guilt, rather than hiding behind untruthfulness. You are going to make mistakes, she said, but it is what you do with those mistakes that separate the leaders from the weak. You are not weak. You are not a liar. You will grow and you will learn, but you will not hide. 

My mom taught me to raise my hand because asking a question is better than faking an answer. Always an advocate of learning, she taught us that when you stop growing, you become obsolete. The world is too big to ever stop wondering. We should be seekers because out there on the edge, on the cusp of the world? That is where true adventure lays waiting on those brave enough to find it. Hidden inside those nuggets of knowledge are the moments that are worth fighting for. They are the moments that people go their entire lives missing, wondering what is lacking, and never having to courage to go in search of it. To live life to the fullest, you must search for experiences because life doesn’t find you, you have to find it. 

My mom taught me to love. My mom taught me to strive. My mom taught me to hope. My mom taught me to persevere. My mom taught me to live.

My mom taught me.

Surviving the Wilderness

I spent somewhere between 30-60% of my day pondering the Hunger Games. After a close call with a tornado last week, I began to rate my survival techniques by considering the very realistic hypothetical of being placed in a large technologically advanced arena with 23 other people poised to slit my throat, all while evading man made death traps.

When the news let me know that a tornado was headed down my street in 18 minutes, my mom called in a semi-panic. Yeah, Mom, I have a survival plan: I put on tennis shoes, duh. Why?

1. I’m not a country bumpkin and when the news trucks comes, I want to look my best.

2. When the zombies attack and everyone is running a muck in chaos, I can easily trip the lady running next to me who will stub her toe because she grabbed something stupid like a flashlight instead of putting shoes on. Hey, hope that mattress over your tub was helpful. Oh wait..that’s right, you just got eaten by a zombie because your feet were sliced up by shards of glass. Sorry, about ya, but I’m about to go pillage this Family Dollar for treats. I’m not going down in this apocalypse.

I also threw a knife in my already stocked backpack full of granola bars, some water and a clean pair of clothes (weird, right? I never shower, but I think clean clothes are a solid choice.). I’m an offensive player; I don’t want to get put on the defensive all day. You never get a leg up. And the careers get to keep eating all the food. 

According to Pinterest (known for its accuracy, much like Wikipedia), 58% of females between the ages of 16-24 want to be like Katniss, which is interesting since she is a cynical, untrusting girl who shuns marriage and was raised in the school of hard knocks….not to mention that she spends a large majority of her time in excruciating pain, both physical and emotional, struggling to maintain a grasp on reality and figure out who she is and what she stands for. Right, ladies, that sounds delightful. 

I have a issue with getting inappropriately attached to characters. I have more empathy for them, than real people…who I see every day. This poor girl is taken from the only place she has ever known to fight for her life, and that is the easy part. She is constantly in her own literal wilderness. Unknown, foreign and dangerous. And no one is there to lead her home. Luckily, the wilderness of my life doesn’t involve Tracker Jackers, and I am never in the lead.

"Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.” Hosea 2:14

Do we identify with Katniss because God leads us into our own wilderness regularly? It is in that alien place that I find myself growing deeper in love with my Christ. There is a chasm created in my soul when I find myself drifting through the mundane tasks of my day. Knowing what meetings lay before me and what my menu holds when I finish my daily workout, along the same path I have traveled since I started this blog. But, when God leads me to those places of delight, meant only for my heart, my soul awakens to the wonders I so long ago forgot.

Nowhere on my urban journey do I have to fend off mutated rodents, or dodge knives hurtling at my chest, instead my wilderness is the sheer vastness of the unknown that lies in my path. Dodging doubt, insecurity and societal pressure as God allures me further away from myself, away from what I knew or worse, expected, and closer towards the richness He has intended for me, whether it is what I want or not. 

He never promised me what I wanted. 

My favorite lyrics are from Needtobreathe’s “Keep Your Eyes Open”:

Just past the circumstance, the first light a second chance
No child could ever dance the way you do oh
Tear down the prison walls, don't stop the curtain calls
Your chains will never fall until you do

'Cus if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes... open my love

If we maintain our status quo, experiencing only those things that are safe and secure, we will never lose the chains that we willingly placed on our limbs, holding us back from discovering the beauty of the wild. It took me quite a while to understand what they meant by ‘no child could ever dance the way you do’. Children are kept safe by their parents, completely provided for under the nurturing hand, ensuring comfort and stability. They have not been to the wilderness. Our joy comes from not simply surviving the hardships we encounter, it comes from the completeness that perseverance brings (James 1). 

You weren’t called to survive, beloved. You were called to commune; you were called to be allured; you were called to trust and love; you were called to the wilderness.