Social media is super great. Super great for making me a Creeper McCreep Pants to the one millionth power. We ladies think way too much, not in a ‘women’s rights are a joke’ kind of way, but in a ‘oh hey I met you five minutes ago and I’ve already compiled a document of every profile you’ve ever created including but not limited to your college blog you made just for that one hip hop feminism class’ kind of way.
Good thing my smartphone now has twitter/facebook/linkedin, oh, and google. Don’t forget that little gem. It’s not like I was struggling at all to not throw all semblance of restraint to the wind before I had the key to my romantic future in my hands… Lucky for me, my company uses nametags. So when I see that little cutie walk past my desk, and sneak a quick peek and boomtown. It’s stalking time.
There are several stages of stalking. I have created a short quiz (circa Seventeen magazine 2001 style).
1. How soon after the first encounter do you attempt a stalking session?
a. When we actually have a conversation
b. A week or so. Whenever I’m bored
c. That evening..duh what if someone sees me at work…or worse my company knows that I’ve been stalking because they are a tech company and can probably trace that trash
d. Immediately….ummmmmmmmmm this is the future father of my children we are talking about. Isn’t he worth my undivided immediate attention?
2. What is your next step when their profile is private?
a. Befriend him. Duh. We know each other
b. Glance at the info. It’s great that he is interested in ‘women’.
c. Try linkedin and twitter. Then google.
d. Obvi go through his mom’s page who he is linked to. Mom’s never have their profile on private…they were born in like 1940. And since she and I are going to be best friends it’s the natural first step.
Okay…so it’s only two questions, but oh so telling.
If you answered Mostly A’s (I get it there were only 2 questions…you’re shooting 50% off the line. Figure it out, girl!): Congrats for being normal. This blog isn’t for you.
If you answered Mostly B’s: You have your life together. Touche.
If you answered Mostly C’s: You a smart stalker. You show some caution and still have your soul, but you’re only one small step from Crazyville.
If you answered Mostly D’s: Thanks for getting off your fire escape for a bit to read this. How are those restraining orders treating you?
But on a serious note, stalking potential mates isn’t a big deal. We all do it. In no way does it contradict the natural order of things, like a conversation or the small joys of learning something new about someone. Seriously, this is what singleness is all about, the search for the ever-elusive love. It’s like that missing sock. The really cool one with the grips on the bottom and the knitted duck, that you’ve been missing for years. It’s not like we can live a full life without it. C’mon, that’s just silly talk.
There are several stages of stalking. I have created a short quiz (circa Seventeen magazine 2001 style).
1. How soon after the first encounter do you attempt a stalking session?
a. When we actually have a conversation
b. A week or so. Whenever I’m bored
c. That evening..duh what if someone sees me at work…or worse my company knows that I’ve been stalking because they are a tech company and can probably trace that trash
d. Immediately….ummmmmmmmmm this is the future father of my children we are talking about. Isn’t he worth my undivided immediate attention?
2. What is your next step when their profile is private?
a. Befriend him. Duh. We know each other
b. Glance at the info. It’s great that he is interested in ‘women’.
c. Try linkedin and twitter. Then google.
d. Obvi go through his mom’s page who he is linked to. Mom’s never have their profile on private…they were born in like 1940. And since she and I are going to be best friends it’s the natural first step.
Okay…so it’s only two questions, but oh so telling.
If you answered Mostly A’s (I get it there were only 2 questions…you’re shooting 50% off the line. Figure it out, girl!): Congrats for being normal. This blog isn’t for you.
If you answered Mostly B’s: You have your life together. Touche.
If you answered Mostly C’s: You a smart stalker. You show some caution and still have your soul, but you’re only one small step from Crazyville.
If you answered Mostly D’s: Thanks for getting off your fire escape for a bit to read this. How are those restraining orders treating you?
But on a serious note, stalking potential mates isn’t a big deal. We all do it. In no way does it contradict the natural order of things, like a conversation or the small joys of learning something new about someone. Seriously, this is what singleness is all about, the search for the ever-elusive love. It’s like that missing sock. The really cool one with the grips on the bottom and the knitted duck, that you’ve been missing for years. It’s not like we can live a full life without it. C’mon, that’s just silly talk.
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