Sometimes I want to punch the inventors of silk in the face. Why would anyone create such an unforgiving fabric? Those extra 2 ounces I put on from the Christmas cookie are clearly visible on the lower left side of my back bulge, which is unacceptable as one of the bridesmaids of the stupid beautiful bridal party I was included in several weeks ago.
It’s like People magazine vomited on this wedding party. Since I am anti-diets, I traded a few cheeseburgers prior to the big day for a salad or two and crossed my fingers that the dress would zip up. But as I sat pinching the unwanted bumps in my dress, I decided it was time for reinforcements. It’s time to bring in the Spanx.
Spanx form an impenetrable fortress of the fat blocking kind. It’s like creating a tiny prison for your chubby parts. Not tonight, Back Fat, you are going to have to stay put. I would much rather not be able to breathe…or sit down….or eat…or laugh comfortably, than have you make an appearance tonight.
I’m starting to sympathize with the bra-burning hippie feminists.
Spanx may be the least attractive thing ever created, strangely enough, to make you appear more attractive. This enigmatic product is the bane of my existence.
Curse you, Spanx. Curse you and your uncomfortable fabric that looks like my grandma’s unmentionables.
When we get right down to the meat of the matter, Spanx will only become more prevalent in my life as I age and one day have children (those little guys pretty much ruin your ability to ever wear silk…or a size 4…ever again).
I feel for all of the husbands who have ever seen their wives in Spanx. That has to scar someone. It’s like watching a hotdog get made….you may never again eat at a backyard BBQ. But, how do you avoid the situation?
Here are a couple of options:
- Install a Clap Off light system in my room, so I can clap off before the hypothetical husband sees me in the anti-libido contraption of doom. Then ensure that nowhere in our frisky encounter do I see that need to give us applause. (No promises on this one. Give credit where credit is due. If the man deserves a handclap of praise (not to be confused with those really weird handclaps at church) then he will get one))
- Make punching my husband in the face to induce temporary blindness a typical part of our foreplay, thus giving me a few seconds to slip—read: wrestle my way out of—the Spanx, while he will be none the wiser…and more turned on than when we started.
- Become a nun. Simple, yet effective.
- Lose weight and be happy with my body……pfffff yeah right
- Find Harry Potter and figure out how to steal his magic so I can cast a spell that make me appear lean and fit and bump free.
Clearly, #5 is the way to go.
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